alright i dont even remember what my resolution was for this year but now its time to gather the thoughts and spill. THIS is what happened this year. well the firsttt day of 08 i began cursed running into that giant witchcraft grave yard that was OD scarey. but its all been good life is life. well some of the "highlights" i guess you can call it is probably what i feel is my best accomplishment....getting over anthony. its soo difficult to believe it took me so long, but all that anger towards him and uncertainty arent really there that much. i miss him still but ive found sumthing so new. and yes i guess i owe it mainly to this boy, chris for it alll. although not even i realized it as it occured. but damn. hes the first person i told i loved after anthony which was about 5 yearss ago. hes good and maybe its a naive crush, but theres sumthing about him that scares me and makes me like him. =] but hes definitely added to my happiness and to the fact that my hearts getting stronger. Now to sumthing not so happy, is my perhaps bestest friend in the world greg. i even cry now just thinking that hes really gone, and that forest park, all its memories are finally at rest. everyones gone, i am the only one left. its like a burden to be successful for them, all of them. i love you greg, i still havent decided where to believe you all go, but whereever you are just know that ... its done. and u didnt have to do that. its just pressure, and dont worry i know better, i know you justified death in your mind somehow. but ill be the stronger one and try to live. okay those are the main, now i gotta run down the list.

zerega good beting days in january.
went to see COLD PLAY live
got a bunny- Leonidus
worked the entire summmmer from 9 to 5
went to the CSI summr program that was great
started having mini dance parties
got closer to my friends overall
WENT fukinnn Camping!
got to work with horses and disabled people
lived on craigslist.org for two months
Lost alll v cards this year (hahahah)
learned to play tennis and i aint thaat bad
started learning jujiutsu and wanna get better
lost 30 pounds but gained it all bak and sum moree
had a cake fight on my birthday
did everything i could for my friends, helpingw hw and giving up tournaments
waxed for the first time in my life(that shit hurtss)
made indoors an addiction
stalked a few people
started talking to my ex Dennis again o.o
had terrible sleeping habbits
made new life rule: never go to psycic because they deal with demons (and chris said so)
Drank tooo many days in a row...damn Mikes lemonade
organized my room to the fukin way i likee it ohh yeaa
fell in love with we all know who =]
realized that people are never as bad as others make them out to be, theyre better
watched all the seasons of House heheheheh
LEARNED THAT LIVING iss EVERYTHING and so are friends =D

well overall 2008 you were a DEFINITE memorable year. I cried and laughed wayy to much but it wass thee best and like every other year, NO regretts. I live, and thats what matters, i live  and i learned so much from it, i just wish i could remmember this as long as i live because i live and i love =]

ive been so lucky to have a life that i had. but my fairy tales over. He only exists in my memories...and i miss him. miss him like hell. i dont think ive ever realized that my life for a moment was like something u see on a movie. I found a friend i believed in, one that i gave my all to. I trusted him with everything and he taught me so much. hes the reason the way i am today for good and for bad. because of him i can listen to the forest and hear his name, but at the same time i can hear a promise and not believe. why is it that those that helps us so much must leave us in pain. its to compensate for all the good theyve done, this bad. i  havent watched the movie the titanic since before i meeyt anthony..and now that i have i wish i could have gone back. and opened my eyes to the warning sign in front of me. why did i do that to myself. i think i know why. i wanted things to be like that, but with a happy ending. to prove that hollywood isnt right and things like that dont exist. but i was proven wrong. they do..and im happy they do. i might be crying now, but i believe i had someone that good in my life for a reaon. to teach me never to give up and continue moving foreward. living was all i had left to do after he left. no one talked me through it anymore i was all on my own. but look at me now. after one year. one year i still hurt to think of him. i feel worst now than during that year. I made it my goal, to survive one year without him. now that i did it, its like i want him to come back. i want to see him again at forest park sitting by the traintracks waiting for me to come. but its gone. all of that..i know i cant ever see it again. but i see it every night, and i need it. i need it to remind me of how wonderful and yet decietful he was to me. i still need him in my life. theres no one, no one else that could replace him. why cant u come back anthony? why the hell would u want to leave me?

yepp im still doing shitty in life

well i see myself definitelly become stronger and stranger every moment. I never used to be like this, angry disrespectful and full of anticipation. what am i waiting for? what do i believe is going to happen that will save me from the way i feel? so far its been nothing. in fact recent events around me have proven me to be heading in no foreward direction. i feel myself sinking back down and down into this place i dont want to be. i could listen to one song of his and its over. my day gets ruined and all i think about is him. how everything i did and do now revolves around my hope to maybe one day see him again. but where? where will i find the one i look for. i know it can no lnger be anthony...but who am i searching for and why havent i found him yet? is he really there. i need him to. i need someone to be there when i get home after a long tiring day to take a nap with me and i need sumone to hug because im feeling with no one to hold. why is it so hard then to find? and what about those who have already found someone, but arent exactly completely happy? whose fault is it...is there one to blame foir not giving one the happiness they deserve or not creating it for the other. what happens when ur not happy completely with one perosn...ultimately one or two things. u find anohter person or u get married. thos who are fantasized by true love and fairy tales teaching that a perfect love could be achieved do not settle for even second best. people as i on the other hand would. i dont want to have the most perfect love. because i would want to be able to accept people as they are and allow them to be different from me. id also want to love them more everyday. get to know them everyday just a little more and fall in love all over again. even if it means with the occasional argument. continuing tomorrow cuz my heads gonna slam down to the computer..im out. nite

damn im an angry person. lol. not so angry anymore. umm..things havent even been going good.. and theyre about to get worst..but i stopped caring cuz the school years olmost over and im gonna love the summer. been very confused about some things but not the usual. little kids going crazy drunk and doing stupid things....and the same with the older people. .... wheres that leave me. oh welll. im trying to stay away from any dramatic shit thatll make me more upset. tryna live a peaceful life for now. yea well i still read my last entry and see the truth. cant find a reason why i was left all alone, but oh well. ive resorting to lieing to get myself through it. i need to start telling the truth. telling myself what really happened. that it wasnt all that i make it out to be. maybe it wasnt my fault, maybe it was his. he made a mistake a very big one, but that is so much unlike him. how could i even speak of him. Hes been goen for so long is i try to remember him ill cry to never see his face again. trying to put it back into my mind. I want to be honest with the world but i cant find a good reason to be. in the end ill be hurt weather i want to or not and the ending is inevitable. but ive gotta try and yes these are my steps. putting myself out there one step at a time knowing half the people that skim over this have no idea what im talking about. yepp. you will when i die. =] till then your gonna have to trust my word. because death before dishonor still exists. it exists in those that have half a heart against all the shit thats been happening in the world these days. so yea, learn, from a minor =P, tell the goddamn truth. about how u feel, how u act and especially to yourself. Ive met a few people that dont even know what that means, ill tell u.....when u go home and grab a knife and start cutting your wrist because u think u had a bad day, your lieing to yourself. As long as your alive, do something better. maybe while ur faking your imense pain try to come up with ways to do better the next day. having a billion little scars on ur wrist doesnt make u cool, now in days, it makes u steroetypical and a stupid bitch. i made myself pissed....good night